|- Adult Jokes -|
Why Chocolate is Better than Sex
1) You can GET chocolate whenever you want.
2) "If you love me, you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) Two People of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
7) If you bite nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
8) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.v 10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can have chocolate any time of the month.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth when eating chocolate.
13) When you have chocolate it does not keep the neighbors awake.
14) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
15) You can have as many kinds of chocolate that you can handle.
16) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
17) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
18) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
19) Good chocolate is easy to find.
20) With chocolate, size doesn't matter.
The Fireman's Wife
A firefighter was telling his new wife the rules of the house and what he expected. He told her that if he said "ding", she was to meet him upstairs and they would make love. If he said "ding, ding", she was to run upstairs and they would make love. And if he said "ding, ding, ding", she was to drop whatever she was doing, run upstairs, and they would make love all night long.
One day, she was ironing his uniform, when she heard "ding, ding, ding" from upstairs, so she stopped ironing, ran up the stairs, ripped off her clothes, and started to make love to her husband.
Halfway through, she stopped him, and said "ding, ding, ding, ding!!" With a puzzled look on his face, he asked "what does that mean?"
To which she replied, "I NEED MORE HOSE!!"
Good, Bad & Ugly
Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.v Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.v Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
I'm Glad I'm a Man
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
I don't go around checking my reflectionv in everything shiny from every direction.v I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and snurly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to lay you.
I'm rational, reasonable, logical too.
I know what the time is and know what to do.
and I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see,
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance, and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man, and not a woman like you!
Adult Report Card
One day a little girl goes up to her mom and asks her how old she is.
"That's not something adults like to tell," her mother replies.
Then the little girl asks her mother how much she weighs.
"That's not something adults like to talk about, honey" she replies.
"How come you and daddy got a divorce?" the little girl asks.
"We don't like to talk about that either, honey." she says, ending the conversation.
The next day the little girl asks a friend about why her mother wouldn't answer any of her questions.
The friend explains: "It's an adult thing. Just look at her driver's license, it's like a report card for adult's. It will tell you everything you need to know."
So when she got home from school she went up to her mother and said, "Mommy, I know how old you are."
"How old?" her mother asked.
The little girl said: "I know how much you weigh."
"Yeah, you weigh 135 pounds. And I know why you and daddy got divorced."
"Okay, why is that?" her mom said.
And the little girl replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.
When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
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