- Adult Jokes -
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Asscons

I guess we all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "asscons"? Here they are:

(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a buble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a squishy ass
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_e=3Dmc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) money coming out of his ass
(_?_) a dumb ass


Daddy's Stomach

A little boy walks in on his mom and dad having sex. His mother is on top of his dad bobbing up and down.

The little boy asks " what are you doing mommy?"

His mom replys " well daddy was getting fat so I thought I would try to flatten his tummy down"

The little boy replys " I don't know why you bother, the minute you leave for work the maid comes in and blows it right back up again"


$100 Blowjob

This guy walks up to a prostitute and says, "How much for a blow job?"
She says, "100 bucks."

He looks at her for a moment, then drops his pants, whips out his penis and spanks it right there in front her.
After he blows his wad, he says, "ok, let's go."

The prostitute looks at the guy in disbelief and says, "Ok, but why in the world did you just spank it?"

The guy says, "For a hundred bucks, you think I'm going to give you the easy one?"


Men

What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.

What do UFOs and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.

Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?
Whisky improves with age.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.

What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.

What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority.

What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.

What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.

What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.

Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.


Two Italian Men

A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat down together and engaged in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men become graphic.

'Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.'

'You foul-mouthed swine,' said the lady indignantly. 'In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.'


Not So Dumb After All

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don''t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don''t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don''t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde''s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What''s the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn''t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his >modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what''s the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.


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