|- Adult Jokes -|
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The 1st male finalist said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for the job."
The second male finalist was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife!"
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with my chair."
A CORK radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would name sense?"
Caller: 'Goan f**k yourself'
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff"
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'"
DJ: "...you are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"
Two Lesbians in a Bar
These two lesbians walked into a bar One extremely pretty and one extremely ugly.
The pretty one said to the ugly one "I get us a drink".
So she walked up to the bar and said to the bar-tender "Two Jim beams and coke"
The bartender got the drinks and said, "That's $10."
She said, "I don't have any money."
The bartender said, "Well how are you going to pay for them?"
She replied, "I'll show you my tits."
He looked at her and replied, "O.K."
So she showed him her tits, then took the drinks back to the table.
The ugly one said,"How did you pay for those?"
The pretty one said, "I showed him my tits and he gave them to me for free!"
The ugly one said, "I try that." So she walked up to the bartender and said,
"Two Jim beams and coke please".
The bartender said, "That will be $10 please."
The ugly one turned around and said, "I don't have any money!"
The bartender said, "Well how are you going to pay for them?"
She replied, "I will show you my tits"
He replied back, "You're ugly so your tits will be ugly!"
So the ugly one said, "O.K. then I will let you smell my friends 'pandora box'!"
The bartender replied, "What that one over there?" (pointing to the good looking one)
She said "Yeah."
The bartender said, "Sure!"
So the ugly one leaned over the bar and breathed in his face.
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor.
He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he decides to try using sign language.
He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says," What the heck is wrong with you dumbass? I said 'I need handsaw'!!"
The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you that I'm coming."
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.
Asked Johnny, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
Lulu the Prostitute
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
(the policeman fainted)
- 14 -
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