|- Adult Jokes -|
The Jamaican Baby
A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."
The Three Daughters
A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls.
While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says, "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."
Fearing for his life, he did it with her.
Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said, "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."
Again fearing for his life, he agreed.
Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said, "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."
"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"
She replied, "Because my cherry is not ripe yet, duh."
While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle."
She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the fiddle with great natural skill. She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis."
She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden she farts. She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know. She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex."
She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw for weeks, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus,when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to screw like two teenagers. The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs.,you've fiddled, you've farted, you've screwed around, and now you've missed your bus."
There's this gay guy that goes to the zoo. He's having a great old time feeding the monkeys and giraffes.
He goes over to the ape cage, and makes some silly faces at the ape. All of a sudden, the ape reaches through the bars, and grabs the guy, and pulls him into the cage.
WHAM! The ape slams the gay guy against the wall. SMASH! he takes him and throws him onto the floor. RIP! He tears off all his clothes.
The ape bends the guy over, and SMOOSH! jams his big ape dick right up his ass, and then WHAM! He slams him on his back onto the floor. Then, BAM! SMOOSH! The ape pounces on top of him, and jams his prick right up the poor gay guy's ass again.
This poor guy is all beaten up and bloody. The ambulance arrives and rushes him to the hospital.
The next day, the guy's boyfriend swishes into the hospital room, and sees him, and says: "OH MY GOD! Look at you! You're all bloody, and your arm is broken, and your leg is broken! How do you feel??"
And the gay guy says: "How should I feel? He doesn't call, he doesn't write..."
Little Johnny: Choo Choo Train
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to Little Johnny playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and Little Johnny saying "All of you sons a bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! All you sons of a bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house!!"
Now you can go to your room for TWO HOURS. When you come out , you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.
Two hours later, Little Johnny came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard him say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was pleasant..."
She hears the boy continue " For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a relaxing and pleasant journey. As the mother began to smile Little Johnny added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the BITCH in the kitchen.
A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and very nervous. On the wedding night she cowers naked under the bed sheets while her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring, I know is firs time you, an you flighten! I unnastan! I plomise do anyting you wan. I plomise give anyting you wan. What you wan?"
"I wanna do numma sixty nine", she replies.
He looks at her very puzzled, and says, "You wanna beef with broccorri?"
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