|- Adult Jokes -|
A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his "member" to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; but when deflated, it read "Wy". After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion."
Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach.
As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two frozen mixed drinks. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender had "Wy" tattooed on his willy.
"Hey", Jack said and smiled, "What a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy."
"Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed, "Mine say 'Welcome to Jamaica. Enjoy your stay.'
Kids On Love
Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE:
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like lerning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long to lern." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?:
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, "I LOVE YOU":
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
"You learn it right on the spot, when the 'gooshy' feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)
Three Young Girls
Three 7 year old girls were walking down the street wearing there mothers clothing; large hats, high heels, and long dresses.
As they passed a bar they noticed no one was in the bar except the bartender. One of the girls said, lets go in for a drink.
They went in and crawled up onto the bar stools. The bartender saw that there was no one in the bar and thought he would have some fun.
He went to the first little girl and said "What will you have young lady?"
The girl replied "I'll Have a Martini."
The bartender could not give them any liquor so he filled up a martini glass with 7-UP, placed an olive in it and put it in front of her.
He said to the second girl "What will you have today?"
She replied "A Manhattan."
The bartender then filled a Manhattan glass with Ginger-Ale, put in a cherry in it, and set it in front of her.
Again he asked the third little girl "What will you have today?"
After a long pause she replied, "I think I will have a "douche." Mother said they're so refreshing."
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.
Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
"Emily, I don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work.
"That good-looking Alan in accounting asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?"
"Oh, my gosh," her friend exclaimed.
"He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any excuse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have the most erotic, fantastic sex!"
"So what should I do?" Gloria asked again.
"Wear an old dress."
I'd like to (sex) tell you about some weird psychological phenomenon (sleep with me) that has been in the media forefront (I'm your love slave) in the past few years. I'm talking about subliminal suggestion.
Subliminal suggestion (buy me a car) is a technique in which the subconscious is made aware of a concept by having it exposed (and a stereo) to them too fast or in a way the conscious mind can pick (you want me) up. Thus, the person so suggested (my room 8 tonight) finds himself doing something that he ordinarily wouldn't do (bring clean sheets). This technique was often seen being used (I'll get the champagne) in movie theatres, where one frame of a film would have a message like "Buy the popcorn." (and the condoms).
This one frame goes by so fast the conscious mind can't possibly assimilate it (I have incredible stamina), but many believe that the subconscious picks it up and causes the mind (I really want you) to act on it.
Does it really (all night is not out of the question) work? Who knows? (and we can bring the stuffed animals and the jello and the peanut butter and the nylon rope and watch "I Love Lucy" reruns and do things that they'll have to invent new names for when we're done and then we can sleep for 3 hours and do it all again). The jury is still out on that one.
Thanks for your time and patience.
- 17 -
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