|- Adult Jokes -|
Never Trust a Midget
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget.
Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
Mrs. Davis has three daughters who are all getting married within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".
Mrs. Davis gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Good to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Davis is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, Mrs. Davis looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mrs. Davis is happy.
Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Davis is anxious because two weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter with the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS".
And Mrs. Davis looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she faints. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.
A man was standing in a long line at the grocery store. As he got up to the register he realized that he had forgot to get a box of condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. "What size condoms?" she asked. The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to unzip his pants. He did and she reached into his under shorts, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the store intercom and stated, "One box of large condoms to register 5, please."
The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most men, out for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he too, stated that he had forgotten to get a box of condoms. She asked him what size he needed and he indicated that he didn't know. So she asked him to unzip his pants. He did and she reached into his under shorts, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the store intercom and stated, "One box of medium condoms to register 5, please."
A few customers back was a teenaged boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female before, and thought that this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the girl that he needed some condoms too. She asked him what size he needed and he indicated that he didn't know. So she asked him to unzip his pants. He did and she reached into his under shorts, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the store intercom and stated, "Cleanup at register 5, please."
A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500.
When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out with a memo of RENT FOR APARTMENT, to avoid any embarrassment.
On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he?d agreed to pay. As a result, he had his secretary send a check for $250 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note:
"Enclosed is a cheque for the amount of $250 for rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that...
1. It had never been occupied
2. There was plenty of heat
3. It was nice and small
Last night, I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large!"
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check, with this note:
"I am returning the check for $250. I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat... there is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it."
Naughty Nursery Rhymes
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill,
And now they have a son.
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "Screw the sucker, he's only an egg."
Hickory dickory dock,
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
And the others got away with minor injuries.
Hey diddle, diddle,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed,
To see such fun,
And the cat died of electric shock.
Mary had a little lamb,
It walked into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass,
And turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman to Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.
Living Room Set
Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying "No." Everyday she would ask him to please let her have the set. Everyday he would say "No." One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all. When Dolly asked, he looked at her and said, "You can have that living room set you have been wanting, but only on one condition." Dolly was so excited! "Anything you want, honey!" She said.
"Well," he began, "when you grow hair on your chest, I'll buy you that living room set."
"Grow hair on my chest?" Dolly was devastated. "How am I going to do that?"
Her husband just smiled and went off to work.
Arriving home that night, he found Dolly waiting for him. Her eyes sparkled and the smile she wore was almost as big as the day they got married. "Honey!" she trilled, "I ordered my NEW living room set this afternoon!"
"You did!!??" her husband stammered.
"You have hair on your chest now? I mean real hair, not a toupee, or some animal hair pasted on!"
"I sure do!" she replied.
"No way! Let me see it." replied her husband.
"OK!" she said as she lifted up her skirt. "There it is!" she pointed to her privates.
"HONEY! That is not your chest!" he said with a fierce tone.
"Oh, yes it is! Before we were married it was your 'hope' chest. Since we've been married it's been your 'tool' chest. And if I don't get my living room set, it's going to be the 'community' chest!" (her husband shut his mouth and went to watch telelvision)
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