|- Adult Jokes -|
The Benefits of Rye Bread
Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.
The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?"
The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded, "How come
A guy gets onto a crowded elevator and notices a very voluptuous young woman standing next to him. In his excitement, he drops his briefcase and papers scatter all over the floor of the elevator. While bending down to retrieve his belongings, the woman also leans over to offer her assistance. In and amongst the others also riding the elevator, the man looses his balance and bumps into the woman, gently brushing her breast with his elbow.
"I'm terribly sorry. Please excuse me," says the man, slightly blushing. "If you don't mind me saying, though, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you must be a very warm, loving woman."
Surprised, but witty nonetheless, the woman replies, "Well, thanks for the compliment."
There is a moment of awkward silence. Finally, the woman leans over to the man and whispers in his ear, "By the way, if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 306."
The Toughest Cowboy
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy
The Witty Secretary
Mr. Smith got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and pretty. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
When leaving the room she said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary who was quite witty said, "Why no Mr. Smith. All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."
I wish you were a door, so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) How about we get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, would you like 1 more?
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
Excuse me, but my friend wants to know if you think I'm cute?
Paul wakes up on Monday morning, staggers into the bathroom and turns on the shower. He begins to lather up and notices that his dick is bright orange. He is really concerned, but it doesn't hurt and he feels normal.
He finishes his shower, gets dressed and goes on to work. During his break, he goes into the men's room to take a leak. While standing in front of the urinal, a co-worker comes in and sees his bright orange dick and exclaims, "Holy Shit! Your dick is bright orange!" Paul tells his co-worker that he feels just fine and his dick doesn't hurt. His co-worker advises him to go to the company doctor as soon as possible cause it looks like it could be serious.
Paul goes to the company doctor and, after a through examination, the doctor says, "You seem to be fine and all of the tests seem to be normal. Did you do anything out of the ordinary over the weekend?"
Paul scratches his head and says, "No. Not that I can think of. All I did was stay home, tune in to The Playboy Channel, and eat Cheetos."
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