|- Adult Jokes -|
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in the first class carriage of a train. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. He again takes his penis out and wipes the tip.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says,
'Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it. What kind of degenerate are you?'
The man replies, 'I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition that means when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'
The woman, now feeling badly, says,
'Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?'
The man looks at her and says,
Three missionaries are taken hostage by a primitive tribe in the deepest, darkest lands of Africa.
The chief approaches the first missionary and says, "Choose death or Bulunga."
The first missionary, not wanting to die, replies, "Bulunga." Accordingly, he is dragged from the hut and is tied up, facing a pole. The natives appear one by one and perform anal sex with the bound missionary. Once the natives have finished their deeds, the missionary is untied and led away.
The chief then approaches the second missionary and says, "Choose death or Bulunga."
The second missionary, not wanting to die, also replies, "Bulunga." Accordingly, he too is dragged from the hut and is tied up, facing a pole. The natives appear one by one and perform anal sex with the bound missionary. Once the natives have finished their deeds, the missionary is untied and led away. vv The third missionary, having witnessed the fates of the first two missionaries, decides that he wouldn't be able to live with the humiliation.
The chief approaches the third missionary and says, "Choose death or Bulunga."
The third missionary replies, "Death!"
"Right then," says the chief, "Death by Bulunga!"
Bob was having migraine headaches for 3 months. He went to the doctor for help. The doctor told him his balls were putting pressure on his spine and that was what is causing the headaches. The doctor also said his balls would need to be removed to prevent further damage.
After the surgery, Bob was walking home and was feeling depressed. He decided to get some new clothes to make him feel better.
Surprisingly, his tailor guessed all of his measurements correctly.
"Thats amazing!" Bob said. The tailor replied, "now for your underwear...I would say about a 36".
Bob chuckled to himself. "Nope, 34" he said.
"Thats impossible", the tailor replied, "that would cause your balls to put pressure on your spine and cause one hell of a headache!"
The Truthful Guide to Dating
ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".
INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him,
"What's wrong with you?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown.
The small guy says, "Oh, thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around!'"
A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my arse."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 17 stone. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I'm sticking this up your arse.' "
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
- 12 -
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