|- Adult Jokes -|
A Tasty Treat
A girl and her boyfriend got to the local pub. When it's the girls turn to buy a round, she tells him that she has heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try. She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of baileys, the other lime juice.
She hands him the glasses and says "ok, what you have to do is, you gotta swig the baileys, hold it in your mouth for a few seconds, and then drink the lime juice."
He looks a bit dubious, but shes very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go. First the baileys; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.
Then he takes the lime juice.
1 second: The cream in the baileys curdles
3 seconds: Boyfriends face turns the color of the lime juice
5 seconds: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge
He turns to his girlfriend and asks what the drink is called to which she whispers in his ear, "Blowjob Revenge!"
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together.
It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend.
They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them.
She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
International Dating Etiquette
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.v Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you!
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
MIDDLE EASTERN WOMAN
First Date: You fill out the mandatory family questionnaire listing all your assets.
Second Date: You go out to the park with her and her whole family comes along.
Third Date: She claims she's a virgin and refuses to have sex with you.
Fourth Date: She makes up for the past ten years of sexual deprivation in one night. You're rushed to a hospital for exhaustion.
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunte, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address..
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
Little Johnny: name that person
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do and all the kids are restless. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here I'm smart and will answer the question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Joya said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Joya. You can go".
Johnny was MAD. The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". "That's right Mary. You can go".
Johnny was even MADDER than before. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Marol said, "John Kennedy". "That's right Marol. You can go".
Johnny was BOILING MAD. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these women would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
Sex At The Doctor's Office
A couple, both in their early 60's, went to the doctor's office. The Doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong or unhealthy about the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.00 .
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "we're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. Holdiday Inn charges $35.00 . Hilton Hotel charges $42.00 . We do it here for $20.00, AND I get $18.00 back from medicare.
A Meaningful Tale
There is a man standing in the middle of a river, fly fishing.
There is a fish in the river that says "When that fly comes down I'm going to jump up and get it."
There is a bear on the side of the river that says "When that fish jumps up to get the fly I'm going to jump into the river and eat the fish."
There is a hunter in the woods next to the river that says "When that bear goes to get the fish I'm going to shot him and bring home a trophy."
There are two mice standing behind the hunter that say "When that hunter goes to shoot the bear the sandwich is going to fall out of his back pocket, and we're going to eat it."
There is a cat standing behind the two mice that says "when those mice go to get the sandwich I'm going to pounce on them and eat them."
Well... the fly came down
the fish got the fly
the bear got the fish
the hunter shot the bear
the mice got the sandwich
and the cat jumped to get the mice, and landed in the middle of the river.
What's the moral of this story?
- "When a fly goes down, a pussy gets wet."
- 18 -
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